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Problem: Feet cold and wet.
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Problem: Feet warm and wet.
Cause: Improper bladder control.
 

Problem: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Cause: Glass empty.

Problem: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Cause: You have fallen over backward.

Problem: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Cause: You have fallen forward.

Problem: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Cause: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Problem: Floor blurred.
Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Problem: Floor moving.
Cause: You are being carried out.

Problem: Room seems unusually dark.
Cause: Bar has closed.

Problem: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Cause: You are dancing on the table.

Problem: Beer is crystal-clear.
Cause: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

Problem: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Cause: You have been in a fight.

Problem: Your singing sounds distorted.
Cause: The beer is too weak.

Problem: Don't remember the words to the song.
Cause: Beer is just right!